All Women Should Have Hairy Legs

911 Words4 Pages
Ladies: How often have you gotten into the shower and wished that you didn’t have to spend all of that extra time shaving your legs? Shaving takes time, patience, and effort, and stubble is annoying and itchy. Not everyone has the time or patience to perform this task, and with the surprising recent findings from the American Body Hair Research Company, you won’t have to ever again. Ever since the Obnoxious Double-Standard-Loving Council of Men in Control (ODSLCM) made shaving one’s legs tri-weekly legally mandatory for women in 2004 (Miso, 24A), we have witnessed a decline in women’s health (Butch, 76). Teams of researchers have done numerous studies on everything from the adhesives on panty liners to the quality of the pig fat in lipstick, but results have been inconclusive. What is making women so sick? That’s where the American Body Hair Research Company (ABHRC) comes in. Shaved, American women were brought in for testing, using unshaved women imported from France for comparison. The differences in health were immediately noticed; as the French women were able to function normally, while the shaved, American women slouched catatonically in their chairs until they had to be electrically shocked into a more coherent state. As they were slowly weaned off of the razor, the American subjects began to regain health (Longlegs, 2B). All of a sudden, their half-lidded eyes opened up and they were able to sit up straight, and some even stood. The ABHRC offered the explanation that a large number of factors were contributing to their ailing health, and tri-weekly shaving was the reason behind it all. What’s so unhealthy about shaving? The answer to that is: EVERYTHING. Thick, healthy hair on the legs is the key to optimal health. First of all, it’s warmer (Butch, 120). The subjects in the ABHRC study suffered from moderate to severe hypothermia because of the fact

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